The Power of Words: Empathy and Sensitivity in Supporting Cancer Patients

When someone we care about is faced with cancer, it can be challenging to find the right words to offer comfort and support. Often, our hesitation stems from feeling unfamiliar with the topic or fearing that we might say something inappropriate. Personally, I have a tendency to resort to humor to ease tension or navigate stressful situations. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that not everyone responds well to this approach when a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. As a result, I approached this blog with utmost sincerity, aiming to help you avoid the same missteps and offer genuine support to those facing cancer.

In reflecting upon my own experiences and engaging in conversations with others, I am sharing my thoughts below regarding what to say and what not to say to cancer patients. Having personally experienced both positive and negative interactions, I am grateful to now be in a position where I can assist others in navigating these sensitive conversations with grace and the utmost respect for individuals confronting the challenges of cancer.

To begin, I want to emphasize that when you’re going through the challenges of the cancer journey, there are moments when discussing it is the last thing that you desire. I often expressed to my friends and family that what I longed for most was to be myself again, without the shadow of cancer. I did not want to be the girl with cancer! Therefore, if you wish to spend time with a friend or family member going through the rigors of cancer – tell them it’s not to discuss their cancer, but rather to provide them with a day where they can escape from those thoughts.

Now, let’s start with the easy part. There are three phrases that you can say, all with their own variations, that are perfectly acceptable to say:

1. “I am here to support you no matter what.” 2. “I don’t know what to say.” 3. “Tell me what I can do for you.”

Simple. Easy. Straightforward.

And now, in my opinion, onto what not to say to a cancer patient.

1. ” My aunt/friend/neighbor had breast cancer … and then she died.”

I thought I would start with this popular one. I think this has something to do with the need for people to find something in common with whatever someone else is going through. Often, I think mouths work faster than brains. You can see someone’s brain catching up with their mouth at the point where they come to the death in the story: they realize that the story doesn’t have a good ending but they have gotten so far in the story that they can’t just stop mid-flow. Please think before you speak – cancer patients don’t want to hear these stories.

2. “If you had done X, Y and Z/ not done A, B and C then maybe you would not have got cancer.”

Actually, no, it doesn’t work that way. Yes okay, there are some types of cancer which are scientifically linked to certain lifestyles (like smoking and lung cancer) but on the whole, cancer is indiscriminate and down to bad luck. It is bad enough that cancer patients constantly (but to no avail) feel guilty and ask themselves these types of questions, trust me, they don’t need anyone else piling on the guilt.

3. “Eating A, B, C can cure cancer.”

NO. IT. CAN’T. YES - Eating a healthy diet is incredibly important. But not because it can cure cancer. It can’t. Oncologists, breast consultants, doctors and nurses are not giving chemotherapy, radiotherapy and all the other treatments for the fun of it.

4. “If I was in your situation then I would….”

But (luckily for you) you are not in this situation so it’s probably best if you don’t try to second guess what you would do (unless of course, you are specifically asked for your opinion where you would need to put yourself those shoes).

5. “It’s only hair.”

Yep, you can say that because you haven’t had to go and shave all your hair off but losing our hair is incredibly traumatic for many reasons: there is an association between the baldness and death; it can mean a loss of personal identity; we can no longer pretend that cancer isn’t really happening once we lose our hair; and baldness tells the rest of the world that we are sick. Some of us feel defined by our looks so that we feel the loss of our hair can change who we are. Whatever the reason, or reasons, losing our hair and going bald is a pretty big deal.

6. “But breast cancer is a good one to get.”

No, it isn’t. No cancer is a good one to get. All cancers can be life threatening, have horrible treatment side effects and the chance of recurring or spreading… And it is not a who-has-got-the-worst-cancer-competition.

7. “You look good.”

Please don’t say this to someone who is obviously not looking well. I know you mean well and you are trying to make a positive remark in a horrible situation. But the patient usually isn’t well and the chances are that she/he doesn’t look well. And they really don’t want to have a conversation focusing on their looks when they may be bald, eyebrow-less, eyelash-less, puffy, or a red-faced zombie.

8. “Sorry I haven’t been in touch” or, “Sorry I haven’t been here for you, but I have had [X/Y/Z] going on in my life and just been so busy”.

Have you been dealing with something as serious as a life-threatening illness and all the emotional and physical things that a diagnosis and treatment brings? No? Well, I probably could have used your support (even if I didn’t say it), maybe a text or a call or a note through the mail. Something to tell me that you cared about me and that my existence matters to you.

9. “You will be back to normal soon.”

Unfortunately, no, although there is nothing you would like more, you probably won’t get back to “normal”. So much changes during cancer treatment: you look different, you feel physically different and you’ve definitely changed mentally. Having faced your mortality directly in the face, I am not sure that there is such a thing as returning to normal. Yes, things will improve, a recovery of sorts will be made, but you will never go back to the way you were before. And that makes me really sad and sometimes, even mad. This really is a powerful example of what not to say to a cancer patient.

10. “If it was me, I wouldn’t want to be defined by cancer.”

Well, neither does the cancer patient. However, cancer is a big deal. It works its way into every single aspect of your life. You can’t help that. That doesn’t mean that cancer defines you – but - it will forever change who you are.

The words we choose when speaking to cancer patients carry immense power. They can bring comfort, strength, and inspiration or inadvertently cause pain and distress. By recognizing the impact of your words and fostering empathy, understanding, and sensitivity we can create a supportive environment for those battling cancer. Let us remember that our words have the potential to make a lasting difference in their lives, reminding them that they are cherished, supported, and never alone.